made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
