Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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