sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
