I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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