:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
