Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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