we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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