haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
