i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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