Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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