I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
