he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
