Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
