Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
