I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
