next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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