Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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