It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize