Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
