it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
