Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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