Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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