I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize