I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
