Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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