i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
