So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
