and you said cock pushups were impossible
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
