I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
