i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This gyro tastes like lonliness
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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