hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
