Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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