Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
