Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
pop tarts are not kleenex
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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