I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
