We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize