i permit you to call me
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
