Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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