I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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