i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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