I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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