i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
