the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
