The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
be right there i have to get my cape
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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