Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
