exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
