I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize