shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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