The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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