where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
