best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
