ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
