I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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