Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
