I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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