Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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