Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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