Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
