My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
