Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
