i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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