barbara walters just said penis...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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