I need to stop coming to work sober
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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