Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize